Giving kids concrete tools
There are a lot levels on which you can talk about violence with kids. I think one is around giving the kids concrete tools around what can they do to feel more safe and actually be more safe. It means talking with the child about what to do if they are asked to come with someone when they walking to school. How do you handle that situation? A lot of very concrete information that gives these kids some tools is important.
Heidi Ellis, PhD
Talking about healthy relationships
Talk to young people about how to treat other people, and about how to engage in a healthy relationship with yourself. How do you have self-respect? How do you say “No. I don’t want to be talked to like that. I don’t want to be touched like that. I don’t want to be controlled like that.” And teach them how to say “Yes, this is how I want to treated.” Get back to basics and talk about human connection, and show kids examples of lots of different kinds of relationships.
Colby Swettberg, Ed.M, LCSW
Conveying a sense of safety
The overall message that you want to convey is a sense of safety. You don’t want to convey that if it’s really not true, but find the settings and places where the child really is safe and allow them to feel a sense of trust and to let down in those settings. You don’t want to overpromise. If you’re really in an area where there’s a lot of community violence, you don’t want to say it’s safe to go to the park at night. But you do want to convey to the child that there are safe places to be and that you can make choices around being in safe centers. Give them the sense of security in their day to day life to the degree that you can.
Heidi Ellis, PhD
Talking to kids about street smarts
Talk to kids about how to have street smarts and how to process and respond to the “Uh oh” feeling when they have it. What are legitimate safety concerns that would give you the “Uh oh” feeling? What does it feel like when racism gives you the “Uh oh” feeling? What’s the “I’m a fish out of water” feeling? It’s really tough to sift through that. It’s very real and it’s really complex.
Colby Swettberg, Ed.M, LCSW
Giving opportunities for conversations
Give opportunities for conversations to happen. Find connections in things that seemingly aren’t about violence , and use those as avenues to talk about violence prevention. Talk about the other side of violence, which is respect, which is love, which is dignity.
Colby Swettberg, Ed.M, LCSW
Not assuming you know what’s going on
Developing trust is not an easy thing to do. A lot of it has to do with listening and not assuming you know what’s going on. It has to feel like a conversation and not like an interrogation. Ask questions in a way that’s not intrusive. Back off when you get a sense that you’ve gone too close to something. I’ve had some intense conversations with some high school students and what helped most was being able to take it at their own pace. I just listened, didn’t assume that I knew what they’re going through, but let them know that I do have some perspective to offer.
Shanna Masdea, Former Student Services Coordinator, Edward Brooke Charter School
Start the conversation as soon as possible
Parents should start the conversation as soon as possible. Don’t wait until your teenager is sixteen, because you have been in the same neighborhood where all this stuff has been happening for the past ten years. Start the conversations early, have them frequently. Take everyday opportunities to talk, like when you are watching television and see something violent, or playing video games. If it is not happening in your community, it might be happening in a neighboring community, right next door, talk about it. And parents, talk about your own feelings about it, too. You can say “Wow, when I heard that someone was shot three streets over I got really scared. What do you think about that?”
Elizabeth Nyante , LICSW
Letting them know about my life
It’s not me having conversations with teens about them doing what they are doing, but more letting teens know a little bit about my life. I let them know that as a teen I didn’t always make the best choices. But now I have poetry and I love myself. I let them know that it took me a long time to get there, but I do love myself now and I care about myself.
Masada Jones, Youth Leadership Coordinator at Lowell Community Health Center
Providing space for the conversation
Kids do a lot of talking, and we just guide the conversation. We provide the space for the conversation to begin, and then it just takes off. Because the kids are already thinking about it, are already asking the same questions.
Melissa McCarter, LICSW
Earn the trust of a kid, he’ll open up
If you earn the trust of a kid, he’ll open up. He might say, “My girl cheated on me, and I don’t know what to do. I want to hurt him, I want to beat him up right now.” We catch that moment, when he said he wants to hurt him. That’s scary, and we take it seriously. We can’t assume he’s just joking.
Veasna Mao Kang, Streetworker, United Teen Equality Center
We can’t ignore it
We can sit here and say our goal is education, and we are supposed to be focusing on math, science, history and what not. But these kids are living in neighborhoods that you can see on the news every night someone’s been shot or stabbed. We can’t ignore the fact that this is happening, and maybe they don’t have another place to talk about it. We have this advisory class where we talk about health, and coping skills, and mental health, so this is a great place to do it. For me it was refreshing to work with a school that said, “We recognize that these kids live outside these four walls when they are not here. And in their neighborhoods, on their way to and from school, they are seeing things and it’s affecting them.” We have this opportunity to provide a place for them to talk about it.
Elizabeth Nyante , LICSW
Opening up Pandora’s Box
When children open themselves up to you—when they’re telling you their father is in jail, their mother’s on drugs, they’re being raised by their grandmother, their brother was shot—we’ve just opened up Pandora’s Box. We can provide that safe space where they can talk, learn, share. Then teaching can happen at a smoother pace, because you’re provided a trauma-sensitive classroom, trauma-sensitive school.
Clementina M. Chéry, President and CEO of the Louis D. Brown Peace Institute