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Supporting The Child
Dinnertime is usually when we talk about weight issues such as planning the meals we’re going to eat. I try to give them choices, and one good thing about my children is that they love vegetables. But it can be so tough. For example, they went to a birthday party and everyone was eating junk; it’s tough when they are surrounded by poor food choices. I try to tell them, “Okay, you know you’re going to this party, so you can have one thing.” You can’t just cut out everything. Try to get them to incorporate this into their daily lives. Even at school— before, my daughter would always have juice, but ever since we saw the nutritionist, she’s been buying water or milk instead. So I tell her, “That’s good.” Just try to encourage them.
Try to let your children know that you’re taking them to the clinic because you love them, you’re concerned about them and you want them to be happy, and that it’s worth giving whatever it is a try. There’s nothing to lose, and you may end up healthier and happier. Hopefully that’s the goal, and that’s what will happen. But I think you have to convince them of your own motivation, and suggest that they may actually feel better, and not just feel miserable.
I think the main thing that children with weight issues need is support. They need positive reinforcement, and they need to know that they’re not doing something wrong. This is something that is going to take a while to work on, and you have to work on it together. It’s basically a change of lifestyle; I’ve changed the way I cook, and the way I serve food at dinner. Instead of serving from the table, I serve from the stove now, and that helps a lot. And activity is also important— getting involved in family activities and cutting back on TV time really helped.
The biggest stressor for me has been seeing how other children treat her- the teasing. It’s been really hard. Seeing her hurt has got to be the hardest thing.
I find that talking about problems at school helps. My daughter is very open about what goes on in school. She’s not afraid to talk about it, and I think talking helps her, but sometimes kids need to be prompted. Ask, “How was your day? Did you have a good day? Did anybody give you a hard time?”
I know that she does have bad days where she just wants to hang out and eat sugary stuff. Sometimes I allow her those days, because if I’m riding her it’s only going to turn around on me, and then we will both end up having an awful day. I think you have to take the lead from your child. If they’re having a bad day, then that’s definitely not the day that you want to go full force about staying on your diet and being active. So I take a step back on those days. Then, if my daughter is having a good day, those are the days we talk about her plan.
We never talk about weight. We never say we’re going to try to lose 10 pounds this month, or try to come down a size. Rather we say, “This week we’re going to try to stick to our diets.” I also make it an “us” thing rather than a “her” thing, and I find that helps. It helps her father too, because he’s overweight and needs to lose as well.
The more of it you can do together, the easier it’s going to be. And the more you can support your child, the more helpful it will be, even though you don’t want to on some days. Don’t let your own needs go, but try to be consistent with your child; I think that’s the best way to help. And don’t be afraid to talk to people. When we talk about it around other people, I often find that they know somebody who’s going through something similar, or they’re going through it themselves. And they look to you for help, which is a good feeling.
Our doctor suggested to us that someone else in the house participate in this with Allison, and I have. I certainly wouldn’t want my child to develop Type II diabetes at 15 years of age; I just really would not want to go that route. It was important to instill in her that she had to deal with this, because we did not want her developing diabetes down the road. We did not want her having all sorts of health issues.
To help my daughter cope, I am eating better too. I am her partner in this, so we are both eating better and exercising more.
I hate that my child gets teased. I am trying to teach my children, “Don’t treat someone in a way that you wouldn’t want to be treated.” She’s not that terribly overweight; she’s not that big a girl. If you go walking through her school, you are going to see tons of kids her size; she didn’t have a lot of weight to lose.
A lot of times when it’s just the two of us— when it’s one-on-one— we’ll talk about her weight. It’s a lot easier that way, because then her sister’s not listening or putting her two cents in. She doesn’t want to hear what her sister has to say, but when we are one-on-one she is able to take suggestions from me.
Today my son mentioned that there hasn’t been any teasing at school, but we do remember a time when there was teasing. He would come home and be upset but just be quiet and not say anything. We’d say, “What’s the matter?” and he’d say, “Nothing.” Then we’d have to wait, and eventually he’d come out and tell us what was wrong: “Someone was bothering me today,” or “I wasn’t picked,” or “I was the last one picked for basketball.” That was one of the things that was hard for him. So we had to help him to find other activities at which he could excel. We have a sports-oriented town— 90% of the kids play sports and are very athletic— so we had to find other things for him to do and other avenues that would allow him to feel successful.
It’s tough to help kids cope with teasing. They really have to feel confident about being accepted for who they are at home first. There are some parents who will keep saying, “You need to cut back. You need to cut back,” which only makes the child aware of their weight every minute. There’s nothing you can say about teasing. You just have to make them feel comfortable with the way they are, because kids are going to tease, and frankly there isn’t anything you can do to make them stop. Some kids are better at ignoring it than others.
We set a goal about limiting how much soda he drinks, and he’s done very well with that. I try not to nag. And if he says, “Oh, mom, I messed up; I had two sodas today,” I’ll say, “Let’s just try to do better next time.” I try not to make him feel like he’s a failure just because he failed one time— that’s a big thing. You’ve got to let them know that they should just try harder next time. We're also trying to make portions smaller.
I really talk about it a lot when she’s lost weight— if I see that her pants are looser or she’s happy because she made a good choice. But if she’s in a bad mood about her plan, because maybe she’s around something she can’t eat and she’s mad about it, I choose not to talk to her about it at that moment. We went to a restaurant once when the company didn’t want to eat healthily and Andrea didn’t want to make any good choices. It was upsetting to the whole table! There are times when it’s very difficult. At another point, I had to tell my mother that Andrea couldn’t stay with her for a week of vacation if she was just going to let her sit on the couch and eat unhealthily. I told her, “This is for her health. If you can’t get that through your head, then she can’t stay with you.” Those are the hard things. My mother will come to visit and bring cookies, regular orange juice, sugary cereals, and all of this stuff, and I’m like, “Take this stuff and go put it in your car, because I don’t want it in my house.” The kids really need their parents’ support in this, because the rest of the nation isn’t really that helpful. But there are certain healthier products that taste better too— you just have to go to the grocery store and find them. I think products with this new artificial sweetener taste better. There are a lot more sugar-free products out there than kids realize. And the kids have to really follow the program too. At night I pack her all of her food for lunch the next day. You have to make food and exercise a priority if it doesn’t come naturally, which it doesn’t for me. You just have to do it; I told my husband, “I don’t care if the house falls down— we still have to do this.” People’s lives are so busy that they don’t put an emphasis on this, and that’s what they really need to do.
Birthday parties are not a beneficial time to talk about weight. Prior to a family party or something, we’ll talk a little bit about what we’re going to be serving, and if she’s in a good mood and willing to accept constructive criticism, we can talk about it. I can judge when she’s willing to accept it. If it seems like she might take it as being badgered then we stay away from it.
The clinic has helped us to set goals, primarily by giving us a calendar. She fills her calendar with the activities that she’s done, and if she did a good job between visits, her nurse practitioner gives her something from a goody bag. Also, occasionally I’ll notice how well she’s done making healthy choices during a dinner, and I’ll say, “Here’s a cereal you haven’t had in a month or two; you can go ahead and get that.” It’s only going to be for a few mornings, but if she misses a food, I’ll add it back in for a limited time period.
I would recommend getting the children involved in cooking and food preparation, and letting them see that it’s not about weight in pounds. Also, I think a lot of times people reward with food, and that’s not good. We go to the dollar store or to a movie instead— something like that.
My greatest stressor is my daughter worrying too much. She worries that she won’t lose, or that she gained a pound. So we don’t push that too much. I maybe weigh her once every two months, so we don’t stress her out. Also, seeing her brother eating things that she can’t is stressful for her.
I help her by providing encouragement about how much healthier she is and how she breathes better now. And if she continues, it’s all going to be beneficial for her; everything she encounters is going to be a lot easier. She’s asthmatic too, so she couldn’t go up a flight of stairs without coughing and coughing before.
I think that the most stressful thing, as a mother, is that her health and wellbeing are what I live for. I just want her to be healthy and happy with who she is, and to learn that she is who she is. Some people aren’t rail thin, some people are, and I want her to be comfortable with who she is so that she can deal with the outside world, because there is some meanness out there. You get stressed out worrying about your child; my biggest concern is that she is be happy and healthy. I don’t really know how I deal with it, but I am a big exerciser, so maybe that is what helps me. Another big stressor is that you don’t want to become the food police for your child. You don’t ever want them to look at you as this negative person in their life— this person holding a stick over them all the time and saying, “Don’t eat this” and, “Don’t eat that.” I try hard not to do that. Sometimes I’ll find myself edging into that, and I have to catch myself and step backwards. I remove myself completely from the situation, and if she makes a decision to eat something that I am saying she maybe shouldn’t eat, that’s fine; I let it go. I just say, “Okay, the next meal, or the next incident, we’ll deal with it. Let’s just see how she deals with it.” So I do step away when I find myself becoming a pain in the neck for her, because that’s not what I want to be. I want to be her partner in this, and for it to be a happy thing— something that she will look back on and say, “I’m really glad my mom and I did that together.”
I think my daughter had only one teasing incident, and it was a mild incident— it was a comment. She told me about it, and it wasn’t a hugely traumatic event. I just said to her, “You’re a beautiful person and the child who said that to you is probably just as nice as you. But they don’t know what they are saying, and even if they do, it doesn’t matter what they are saying.” It wasn’t long after that that she asked to explore the program. I think we staved off the teasing; we came and started addressing things before it got to the point where it became a lot of terribly cruel experiences, and that was part of our motivation. But when I heard about that incident, I really prayed that she would want to do this, because I didn’t want it to explode and become an everyday thing.
I can tell you this: if you do get going and you see even the smallest positive result, that is the greatest encouragement— just the smallest thing. My daughter and I went school shopping this week and she bought clothes that were one size smaller then last year’s. She was happy as a clam when she came out of that store. And I just try to reinforce it to her: “You know what? This is great, what you are doing!” I think it is important for your child to know that this is their thing; they should be in control of it, and you should be their partner.
I think that, as a parent, the most important thing is for you to get on board with your child’s plan. Don’t tell them they can’t have ice cream and then sit down and have a bowl of ice cream yourself. Also, I don’t think you should ever tell them that they can’t have something, because it is all about moderation. We still go out for ice cream, so it’s not like she is never again going to have ice cream, but we don’t go out for ice cream every week. I drink water and milk rather than juice and soda because I am on board with her. Getting on the program with them is not going to hurt anybody, because it’s completely healthy and it’s not a diet; it’s just healthful living. So there is no reason that everyone shouldn’t get involved. Just be there for them.
I really don’t talk about my daughter’s weight issues; she knows what she has to do. But I have talked to the school, trying to push the fact that they should have healthier alternatives for lunch. I don’t go to the PTA, but I know the people, so they’re going to try to do something this year, I think.
I think the greatest stressor that I perceive is getting clothes that fit right and fit comfortably. It’s frustrating when clothes don’t fit right, or when you bend over or move and they’re tight or they pinch. That’s the biggest frustration to get over. We’ve had to change the way he dresses, like getting him a shirt that doesn’t have to be tucked in, and things like that.
Greg was going to a school where he hadn’t really been faced with much teasing. He may have had to deal with teasing once or twice, but it is really not an ongoing occurrence. The one thing that I would always try to convince Greg of is that there is more to what makes a person than how much he or she weighs or what clothes he or she puts on; there is something much deeper inside that is far more important then that. In elementary school I was taunted constantly because of my weight; they would literally poke at me. I was sort of the target that everyone used to direct their anger. If kids taunt him about his shape, we just tell him to tell them it bothers him and ask them to not do it. And if the kid continues to taunt him, we tell him he should go to a teacher or go to a parent and tell them, “This kid is bothering me.” In the meantime, we do our best to let our children know that they are extremely special and they are wonderful. That is something we try to instill in Greg to try to lift his self-esteem, so that hopefully he won’t have to endure some of the self-esteem issues that I have had to endure in my life.
There was a lot of anger in me when I was in high school; I felt a lot of depression. Also, my parents would tell me I was fat and tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I found this humiliating. That is just the way that my parents raised me; I don’t fault them for that. But I even had an uncle who taunted me about my weight. My wife and I know better now— we know not to treat our child like that. We are trying to go off the lessons that I had to endure as child, and we are doing our best so that Greg will not have to endure that in any way, shape, or form.
We try not to bring weight up. We make Greg aware that he is in the Optimal Weight for Life clinic. He has been very accepting of that program. We say, “You can’t have that, but you can have this.” He might ask to have a cookie or chips, and we’ll say, "You know Greg, why don’t you have some watermelon instead?” Instead of ice cream I make smoothies for myself. What I do is mix some artificial sweetener with some yogurt, some frozen fruit, and some milk in a blender and serve it. It is actually pretty thick, so it comes out looking like soft serve ice cream. It’s quite delicious, and he likes it a lot too. There will be times when he’ll want to eat something unhealthy and we will have to say no. But as far as goals go, we really don’t set rigid goals; we just do our best. We aim to make sure that he is eating properly and in a way that will serve him well.
I think one concern would be that you would stigmatize the child and they would get too focused on eating and develop an eating disorder if you brought them into a diet management program— they would be too focused on it. But that is really not the way that they present it; they present it as a way to help the family and the child make healthy choices about exercise and diet. We told Greg that when he becomes leaner he will be able to run faster and feel healthier, instead of focusing on body image.
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Hospital Boston Department of Psychiatry. All Rights Reserved. The information on this website should not be taken as medical advice, which can only be given to you by your personal health care professional. July 10, 2005 |
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